Maybe it’s a contractual demand. Maybe it’s a personal penchant for them. Maybe it’s just plain fate, but Steven Seagal seems wholly unable to take the any roles with an even remotely believable name. He started as he intended to go on with the classic handle Nico Toscani in the film with the same name, and the titles have be rushing up and down the scale of absurdity since.
For every straight-laced John Hatcher and Jonathan Cold there’s at least a brace of Orin Boyd’s, Harlan Bank’s or Sasha Petrosevich. Passing through the ranks as Lt. Jack Cole and Lt. Colonel Austin Travis, Seagal has even touched the dizzying heights with the role of Commander Marshall Lawson. He has even dipped into the dark waters of academe as Dr Wesley McClaren and later as Professor Robert Burns.
On occasion he has even ventured into East Asian spiritualism with the minimalist Tao; wholly apt for a role that is minimalist most. Beyond the bold epitaph of his passing cameo in the dire Onion Movie, few names have had the blunt impact of the personal title Cock Puncher. Brash you could say, if not wholly accurate as we all known Steven loves kicking up a storm, less of the punching.
But what is the greatest handle? Divorced from their original films, only you can decide which name has the greatest impact. Those weathered veterans of the field may recognise some names, but leave your prejudices at the door. This is purely about the awesomeness of these insane nomers. There can be only one. Let the voting commence.